Balancing Discipline with Encouragement

"Fathers, don't scold your children so much that they become discouraged and quit trying" (Colossians 3-2 The Living Bible)

Healthy parent/child relationships do not just happen in families. The relationship between parents and children requires much time and effort.

As parents we want to raise our children to be happy, healthy, confident and responsible individuals. Often we focus more on the aspect of discipline to promote this. We look at what is lacking in our children. We notice what our child is not doing...should be doing. We say things like "Why didn't you..." or "stop doing that" or "you need to..." and so on. While discipline is very important in providing boundaries, limits and consequences to promote responsibility, without balancing it with encouragement your child will grow up feeling defeated, hopeless and lack a healthy self-esteem. By encouraging our children in areas they succeed at, commenting on efforts being made and noticing the steps they are taking, we as parents are allowing our children to grow into the things God uniquely made them to be.

Webster's Dictionary defines encourage as "to give courage, hope, or confidence to; to give support to; help."

We as parents can learn to be better encouragers to our children by promoting the following:

1) Notice what is special about your child
Every child is unique and wonderfully made by God. Your child has many special and wonderful qualities. When you notice these qualities and point them out, you child will feel encouraged. With each bit of encouragement, your child will grow to like themselves a little bit more and become more confident. Build on their strengths, this promotes a healthy self-esteem.

2) Avoid comparing your child to another
Accept each child for who they are, know their limitations and respect individual differences. By promoting competition between children it brings hopelessness of the situation to the discouraged child. Focus on your child as an individual being cautious not to compare them to another. God has given each child they own unique talents, no two individuals are the same.

3) Notice your child's efforts
Encouragement means focusing on your child's strengths and talents, not on their mistakes. Remember where your child is developmentally, both emotionally and physically. What one child is able and ready to do, may not be the same for another. Every skill learned is made up of small steps and efforts. You don't have to wait for your child to finish a whole assignment or learn a new skill before commenting on the effort being made. Look for the small successes along the way. Each step your child makes is an opportunity for the parent to encourage their child. Focus on the effort, not the outcome. When you notice the steps along the way, you help your child keep going and it builds self-esteem. Noticing your child's efforts empowers them.

4) Catch your child being good
Take notice when they are behaving and comment on it. Be specific with what your notice. This tells them exactly what positive behavior you are seeing and promotes this. "Thank you for being so quiet while I was on the phone." "Thank you for taking the trash out without my asking." "You put all your toys in the toy box, that's great!"

5) Ask your child their thoughts about the situation
By asking them for their thoughts about the situation you will be teaching them to assert themselves in a healthy way and they will also feel valued....they matter. This will help them develop the ability to think things through for themselves and not be reactive.

6) Help your child change their negative thoughts about themselves by giving them positive statements
Give them positive self-talk statements like: "God loves me just as I am." "No matter what they think or say about me, I am a worthwhile person." "I made the effort, that's what counts." "I did the best I could, that's all anyone can do."

7) Give your child unconditional love
You can accept your child without accepting their misbehavior. Assure your child that you love them no matter what they do. Your child needs to know you do not expect perfection from them. They need to know you love them just as they are. "Love is an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person" (Lee Ezell). Give them physical affection. Spend one on one time with them. Let your child know you enjoy being with them. This will give them the message they are special and wanted.

Our children can live in a home filled with discouragement, or we can provide a home filled with encouragement where each person's uniqueness is celebrated and there is understanding and acceptance of differences.

"We live by encouragement and we die without it, slowly, sadly, and angrily."
Celeste Holme

We as parents must take the time and make the effort and use it the very best way we can in order to make an impact on the children God has put under our care. By His grace we can be the kind of parents God wants us to be.
Written by Patty B.